Final Fantasy: Volleyball Planet
by Hasturcomeforth
Summary: Cloud Strife does regular everyday activities while spending time with friends and thinking about life.
1. Chapter 1

Cloud slowly walked up towards the towering obsidian gateway. He slowly opened the door, revealing a lavashly furnished room , with furniture knitted from the screaming souls of rapists, murderers, and chinese counterfiet merchendise sellers, drenched in the finest mayonaisse from the mayoyster farms in the tenth circle of hell.

"Come in" a voice resembling that of an elderly british man said from within the next room. Cloud walked into the next room, which was made of cartilage, to meet the speaker.

"I'm so glad you could join me for tea, Cloud.", said Azathoth, his body composed entirely of rotting goats glued together by the mustard coming out of their pores. "I do get awfully lonely in here without anyone to chat with.", he said while dipping his slice of oreo poundcake in a saucer filled with his pet chupacabra's sense of humor, located on the coffee table, which was made with the screams of orphans. "Please, do tell me what you've been up to lately."

The goats had started to ferment, and were leaving an awful smell behind as they began the process. "Go fuck your cat." Cloud replied, before bludgeoning his pantsabre through Azathoths heart, as the blood of the forsaken mustard goats began to leak out of his many goat hearts.


	2. Chapter 2

Cloud threw Cait Siths bloody disembodied head through the voids of time and space. The head spouted three gelatinous wings and continued to fly, much to Clouds dismay.

"But Cloud," Cait Sith began to say, the puss slowly leaking out of his middle ear, "We'll never reach the moon in time if you don't sacrifice Biggs to the Cosmonuclear Warp Drive!"

Cloud looked around the ship they were currently on. It was a rather boring ship, made by the elves at the request of Stalin during World War III. It was made of fire and could shoot dinosaurs made out of napalm, but it only had 3 bathrooms. He then grabbed the severed head of his former friend and the ambasseder of Sweden to the Moon, and shat on it. The head let loose a thunderous roar, that was heard throughout all time and killed off the entire population of Hawaii.

"We'll still reach the moon jungle in time, you pussy." Cloud said whilst stuffing Cait Sith's body with the screams of a million angels.

Then, a giant head appeared in front of the space ship. "I am Carl Jung." The voice said. "Ruler of the Moon Jungle. Submit to me or I will free the cursed samurai who's spirit I am currently residing it."

Suddenly, Cloud remembered the words of his father, whos face had been lost in the sands of time during his legendary duel with Saharan Hitler. "Remember Cloud," his father had said to him before setting off in his Hell Submarine to combat the evil that lied in the desert. "The light at the end of the tunnel is not enough." Cloud finally understood what that meant. He withdrew his sword, Faceraper, made from the pubic hairs of the devil himself, from deep within the bowels of Gargapolex, Demon of The Infinate Plains.

He raised his arm, which was infused with the energy of the millions of women and children that had died because of him, and thrust Faceraper into the minacious scalp of Carl Jung. Jung screamed out, the souls of the emperors he had eaten erupting out of his hair and flooding into the fireship.

"Quick Cloud, we must do something!" Cait Sith coming up from behind, having just lost 4 of his 8 remaining arms during the event. But Cloud had more important matters to deal with.

"Greetings Cloud!" the Atlantean gaurd said, having appeared on the telecommunications screen. "I see you've fallen for our trap!" Cloud gasped as he realised that the face had not been that of the real Carl Jung, but that of the Aquabear, divine emperor of the Atlanteans.

"Damn you Atlantis, and damn your puny bear!" Cloud shouted as he rushed to the pilot's room. It was made of the bones of the fallen, and contained the ghosts of millions who were killed during the Atlantean/Czech war. He grabbed the steering femur, and set a course directly into Bear Jung's face. "Let's see how you like this." he muttered while driving the elven fireship into the black hole that was the bears gaping mouth.

"You fool!" the Atlantean said, but it was too late. The fireship was travelling through the diminsions in which there is no death, and crashed into the Atlantean Space Station. Cloud pulled out Faceraper, which was now a keytar, and smashed it into the stations pulsing heart, causing the blood of demons to spill out, and crashing it into Atlantis, which then drowned.


	3. Chapter 3

The twin Texan suns blazed in the night sky above Dallas. The sun on the left had been created by Jimmius T. Philligan to save the dying Texan pie industry by using solar radiation to create new pie wells under Texas. The sun on the right was the sun created by the titans in the ancient times, from their underground palace in deep space by virgin angel strippers. This was the sun that posed a threat to the good people of Texas, and the pies they made, as it emitted pure awesomeness, which caused the famous texas pies to wither away to dust, which was then eaten by the dust sharks who prowled the Texan prairies in search of meals.

It was in one of the pie wells that Cloud had uncovered a secret mummy tomb, hidden away in the past by the cult of The Bloodied Cask. It glowed with the effulgence of a dying star, forged by Satan's army in the bowels of hell. As he lifted the lid off the sarcophagus, a million curses flew out, setting the surroundings ablaze in unholy fire, lighting up like a christmas tree condemned to the eighth circle of hell.

Cloud staggered back as the creature in the sarcophagus rose to its feet. "Hello, Cloud" it said. "My name is Ronald Reagan. I am a werewolf who has risen from the dead so that I may fulfill my destiny and become England's king. To achieve this I have poisoned the worlds supply of crumpets, so that all the british people who stand between me and the throne will die of crumpet poisoning and I will become king."

It all made sense now. "Of course." Cloud said. He had failed to see the signs. "That's why you stole all the washing machines in England. Everyone knows that the only thing that can kill werewolves is dubstep."

"If only you had seen it earlier, my dear boy." Reagan chuckled. He had completely reformed now, and was wearing a thong made out of lasers and monster trucks, held together by a forgotten dream. "Unfortunately, you are too late. I shall become King within the hour." He lifted up his thong, revealing his trademark werewolf laser cannon, mounted on his pelvis. "Goodbye Cloud, I do wish our time together had been longer!" The laser cannon began to charge up. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Cloud had known this day would come. He knew he must face his destiny.


	4. Chapter 4

Cloud pulled his bulldozer up to the starting line. It was a very expensive bulldozer, made out of millions of tiny bulldozers that were all forged by dwarves in an underwater volcano. He was very confident that this bulldozer would win him the big race.

Suddenly, a familiar face pulled up to the starting line. "Yo Cloud!", the man said.

"Hello Kanye." Cloud responded. Kanye West was riding his faithful gunbear, the AK-47's making up his hind legs positioned to begin the race at any moment. It was this bear that had won Kanye the blue ribbon five years in a row. Cloud sneered at the bear. The bear raised his middle finger, which was a pistol, in retaliation.

"On your mark, get set..." the announcer began to say. The announcer was also a contestant this year, as had gotten bored of just announcing the thing. He was riding a cyborg narwhal and wearing a sombrero made out of chainsaws. The sombrero was glued to his head, as not to fall off, and the chainsaws were cutting through the ground behind him. Cloud steeled his nerves. This years competition would be tough, but he had won 2nd place every year since 3rd grade; he was determined to win first this year.

"GO!" The announcer shouted, after giving himself a 3 second head start. Cloud's bulldozer roared with the energy and vigor of a million cattle stampeding through a canyon. Cloud blazed through the other racers, eventually coming between Kanye and the announcer.

"I'M SORRY I HAVE TO DO THIS, CLOUD!" Kanye West shouted over the roar of his gunbear "BUT I NEED TO WIN. THE DARK GOD OF THE FULIGIN ARCHEPELEGO NEEDS BLOOD SACRIFICE, AND IF I CAN NOT PROVIDE TO HIM, HE WILL TAKE MINE!" Kanye hit a button on the back of his bear, opening up a portal on the moon. A million moon beavers swam out of the portal, and homed in on Cloud, gnashing their teeth in anticipation.

"DAMN YOU KANYE WEST!" Cloud shouted back, almost inaudible over the roar of his bulldozer. "I AM NO LONGER KANYE WEST!" Kanye, who's throat was beginning to get tired from all this shouting, shouted back "I HAVE ENDURED THE 7 TRIALS OF HESHIPAT AND ASCENDED TO A HIGHER PLAIN. FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, I SHALL NOW BE KNOWN AS KANYE EAST!"

Cloud gasped. But he had no time to be surprised. The moon beavers were already beginning to eat his bulldozer. He only had one option, and he knew he had to take it. He pressed a button on his bulldozer, and it turned into 37 naked men riding segways. Then they danced their sacred dance and combined to become Galvotron, the destroyer of worlds. Cloud climbed into Galvotron's cockpit, which was made of the flesh of the denizens of fallen planes.

"DAMN YOU CLOUD!" Kanye East shouted, as Cloud raced by him, leaving him in the dust. But Cloud was too satisfied to hear him. Cloud knew he had finally won.


	5. Chapter 5

**AUTHORS NOTE**: I'm really sorry about not being able to write any for so long. The Syrians stole my solid gold Yachtscraper (a 47-story Yacht made out of gold) and attempted to pawn it off to the Almond People. I managed to get it back after managing to beat their CEO, a live Hyena, in a Kickboxing match. I'd been too busy locating their underground hideout to write any. Hopefully I can get back on schedule.

Cloud got out of his 1977 Mazerati Spyder. It was the color of sadness. He had it repainted whenever his emotions changed which was fairly often. Once it was the color of Vomit for an entire week because his favorite restraunt stopped selling fried okra.

He saw his old friend Gandalf in the distance. Gandalf had been his roomate at NCGU.

"Hallo Cloud! Wie geht's?" Gandalf said to Cloud, that trademark cheer in his voice and a sparkle in his eye.

"Lob des Vaterlandes. Es wird wieder steigen" Cloud responded without hesitation. "Wie geht es Ihnen Gandalf? Ich bin derzeit von der Bruderschaft der weißen Hand verfolgt."

"Wie bedauerlich. Ich hoffe, sie haben nicht unser Geheimnis gefunden?" Gandalf was slowly losing his calm, as evidenced by his overalls, which had burst into flames. "Gandalf really needs to start wearing fire-retardant overalls." Cloud thought to himself.

"Nein." Cloud responded in an attempt to reassure Gandalf. Little did he know that Cloud himself was the one leading the expedition into the forgotten Mayan Temple.

"Ah, gut." Gandalf's trousers had finally extinguished themselves, and were now a tepid orange color, just like his soul. "Bis später!"

"Bis später." murmured Cloud. He had never forgiven Gandalf for what he did at that frat party. His hair had been under surveillance ever since. He decided he should go to Nevada Bob's place to calm down.

"Hey hey hey, if it isn't Cloud!" Nevada Bob said as Cloud walked in the door. Nevada Bob immediately started pouring Cloud a drink. "The usual, I assume." He said, having already poured it. Nevada Bob only had one drink on the menu anyways, Cactus-Payapa Tequila. Cloud downed it in one gulp.

"Bob, things are tough. I'm beginning to wonder if Gandalf suspect I'm in league with the Kenyans." Cloud's mouth was still burning from the drink. Literally. Nevada Bob's drinks were a caustic substance. It took 3 months and a team of highly trained Haitian mercenaries just to smuggle the ingrediants past the border.

"Well my boy, as long as he doesn't act on those suspicions we should be fine." These were Bob's last words before the Santorampali impaled him with it's vampire chainsword.

"CLOUD STRIFE" the Santorampali said. It spoke with lasers instead of sound, yet was impossible to not understand. "**YOU HAVE COMMITED THE ULTIMATE SIN AGAINST OUR BROTHERHOOD. YOU MUST PAY FOR THE MAYAN GOLD YOU HAVE STOLEN WITH YOUR LIFE.**" The Santorampali's Vampire Chainsword began to glow with its lust for blood. Cloud knew this weapon well. The Santorampali had defeated him in Jiu-Jitsu on the top of Mount Sinai for the right to wield the unholy weapon. He knew he had no chance against such a powerful weapon, wielded by such a formidable foe.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


End file.
